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Mark & Dave: Water bureau comedy a real side-splitter

By now you’ve basked in the knowledge that Portland was ranked as the fifth funniest city in America, ahead of

Seattle, Los Angeles and even San Francisco. You can blame (or thank) “Portlandia,” the TV show ... and the Portland Water Bureau.

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Washington County joined the long list of districts that want a moratorium on medical marijuana dispensaries. Why is marijuana the only prescription drug with a special dispensary? We don’t seem to need corner Lipitor dispensaries or Viagra marts. It was getting so out of hand we feared it would pop up on the late-night menu at Jack in the Box.

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Applause to the newspaper delivery person who alerted a family their house was on fire in the early hours of last week. Clearly the fire was not on the porch.

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We keep harping at our kids to put down their cell phones at dinner. Now, according to a new study, it appears the biggest offenders at dinnertime are parents. Boston Medical observed families of parents and young children eating at fast food restaurants and the moms and dads were first to whip out the phone 55 percent of the time, with the kids close behind. But the parents are probably just checking their available minutes.

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Now that the Pentagon wants to replace human flight crews with robots, how long before commercial airlines will be allowed to do the same thing? It feels like they’ve already started at a few customer service counters.

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Nate Silver, the metrics Nostradamus of elections at fivethirtyeight.com must be starved for something to do between contests. He’s been analyzing whether Americans arrive late or early for work every day. We are happy to tell you the median time Americans arrive at work is 5 minutes early. The bad news is that Portlanders arrive only 3 minutes before the workday whistle. We figure it would be a lot earlier if everyone didn’t have to lock up their bikes.

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New York City’s Bagetelle is serving a $1,000 ice cream sundae, complete with a side of jewelry. You’re thinking the same thing we are: Big deal. It’s $2 ice cream with $998 worth of gems? Wrong. The Malboussin ring made of black steel and white gold prices out at $530, leaving the ice cream at a cool $470. Not even Donald Trump would order that, unless it came with a side of gold-framed mirrors.

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From the What Were You Thinking file, a Kansas man, charged with first-degree murder, wants the state to hire a tattoo artist to remove a giant tattoo from his neck. The tattoo? It spells out “MURDER.” Let’s save some time and just replace it with, “GUILTY.”

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Rumors out of Hollywood ... Plans are in the works to make a live-action movie based on Barbie. Casting the film will be difficult. For Barbie, they’ll need an actress with an unnatural body shape, and for Ken they’ll need someone missing some very important equipment.

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More and more high school grads are deciding college debt isn’t worth it and are heading straight into the work force. Our advice, find a job as a college loan officer.

Listen to Mark and Dave 3 to 6 p.m. weekdays on AM 860 KPAM.

Follow them at www.facebook.com/themarkanddaveshow.