Featured Stories

Other Pamplin Media Group sites

Local Weather

Cloudy

57°F

Portland

Cloudy

Humidity: 83%

Wind: 10 mph

  • 26 Nov 2014

    Showers Late 59°F 53°F

  • 27 Nov 2014

    Rain 56°F 52°F


Mark & Dave: Drunk, peeing in reservoir? Blame songs

A 19-year-old man — and we use that term loosely — was cited for urinating in a Mount Tabor reservoir. So the Portland Water Bureau drained about 38 million gallons of water as a precaution. Funny, the Water Bureau is worried about a little pee but not all the other crap they dump onto our bill.

• • •

Lakeridge High has a new code of conduct for football players that, among other things, requires helping opposing players up after each play. There goes football. How about we don’t keep score — they’re all winners for playing. And how about trophies for everybody at the end of the season. Or certificates of achievement just for showing up. Next thing you know, we’re going to be required to bubble-wrap our kids before they play.

• • •

And they called it “Tilikum Crossing.” After nearly 10,000 suggestions, the committee to name Portland’s new transit and pedestrian bridge voted for Tilikum. Should have called it the CRC, then we’d at least have one.

• • •

It can’t be true, but it is. Chase Bank in Portland is asking customers who want to deposit cash into their own accounts to show ID. And if you want to deposit cash into your kid’s account (or anyone else’s) you need a cashier’s check or money order, both of which will cost you. Odd how the only entity that really wants your cash anymore is the government.

• • •

If you’re excited about 3D printers, Micro is prepping the first consumer edition for average Joes like us. And the price sounds reasonable: $249. We’re going to get one and use it to print ink cartridges for our 2D printers.

• • •

Just last week we reported that the cash-starved IRS will conduct the fewest audits of Americans’ taxes than ever before. Before you celebrate, the IRS wants you to know that sophisticated software and data algorithm analysis will allow computers to comb through your return and alert you if there’s any discrepancy. In other words, NSA already knows.

• • •

Here’s the claim: Binge-drinking is related to song lyrics. Researchers say adolescents are exposed to 3,000 references to alcohol brands while listening to music. We’re worried because we think you have to be drunk to understand the lyrics to begin with.

• • •

The owner of Lunchbox Laboratory in Seattle called us to apologize if he offended any Christians with his ad depicting Jesus smoking pot and pining for a burger on Easter Sunday — which happened to be 4/20 this year (get it?). He pretty much admitted he’s marketing to stoners in advance of the July legalization of marijuana and called it good business. Meanwhile Jack in the Box has pushed its stock price up 80 percent marketing to the late-night-munchies demographic. Let’s hope that at least the cooks are clean and sober.

• • •

Our print colleagues are saddened that “Newspaper Reporter” was No. 2 in last week’s list of worst jobs in 2014. Stress was its Achilles heel. Broadcaster made the list as the No. 5 worst job, so Mark & Dave cover two of the top five worst jobs. But at least we weren’t No. 1. Lumberjack (an indigenous job around these parts) has the honor of being the worst job in 2014. Not sure if it was stress or lack of trees to cut.

• • •

It’s become so bad on the campaign trail that the U.S. Supreme Court takes testimony this week to decide if lying during a campaign is a crime. We hope they rule it is criminal, but we worry there won’t be enough prison space.

• • •

The Association of Teachers and Lecturers are warning that if you let your infant play with your iPad, your kid might be unable to use toy building blocks — has to do with developing young finger dexterity. They can swipe a screen but struggle with blocks. That’s OK, our kids will help us with our smartphones, and we’ll play with the blocks.

• • •

Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith is incensed about reports the CIA used their music as torture during a terrorist investigation. Shows you how out of touch the CIA is. We’d put Carly Rae Jepsen at the top of the torture list and round it out with some Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Celine Dion. But that might violate the ban on cruel and unusual punishment.

• • •

A sequel to the 1993 hit “Mrs. Doubtfire” is being planned as we speak. Robin Williams will play Mrs. Doubtfire again, but that’s all we know. We assume that 21 years later it will have to take place in an assisted-care facility.

• • •

There’s a condom shortage in Cuba. OK, we’ll help, but remember they’re not approved flotation devices.

Listen to Mark and Dave 3 to 6 p.m. weekdays on AM 860 KPAM. Follow them at www.facebook.com/themarkand daveshow.com