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  • 25 Nov 2014

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Mark & Dave: Counties set to make pantry raid on pot

Portland Public Schools was scouring Craigslist last week looking for substitute teachers. Not sure if qualified teachers hang out on Craigslist — unless they teach sex ed.

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The Association of Oregon Counties (yes, local governments have their own private clubs) is worried Oregon will turn into the land of medical marijuana dispensaries if counties aren’t allowed to control local “stores.” They claim the state has not come up with enough controls to keep the pot pantries from overtaking neighborhoods. Two things: First, if there are no customers, they will go away. Second, won’t they all be in Multnomah County anyway?

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Gov. Jay Inslee of Washington announced the state is suspending the use of the death penalty, equaling Oregon Gov. John Kitzhaber’s 2011 pledge. At least Washington used a death penalty. In Oregon you’re more likely to spot Bigfoot riding a unicorn than actually read about a death row inmate being executed. Welcome to the circus, Gov. Inslee.

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PDX airport is home to seven of the top-10 on-time airlines. Hawaiian stays No. 1, and Southwest slides to last place at No. 16. We just flew Southwest and had no complaints, except for the fact we had to shoehorn 6-foot-9 Mark into his seat. He swears they are smaller than ever.

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A group of protesters are claiming that the powers that be at Portland City Hall are not doing enough to effectively address homelessness in Portland. Really? Dignity Village! Right 2 Dream Too! And an apparent lack of enforcement of anti-camping ordnances. What more could the city of Portland do, buy everyone a condo in the Pearl? Imagine how high your water bill would be then.

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A Florida company allows families to create artificial reefs out of the remains of deceased loved ones. The idea is to place grandma off the coast of Florida and attract fish. Do you really want to spend eternity being nibbled on by Nemo? Both Mark and Dave would prefer to be turned in to the scuba diver for a family room aquarium.

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First Viagra. Now a new medical breakthrough to help women improve desire in the bedroom. It’s the “O-Shot.” An injection, researchers say, that could help women achieve the ultimate big ... well, you get the idea. Nothing kills romance faster than running to the medicine cabinet on date nights.

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In Virginia, the White Tail Chapel encourages parishioners to worship in the nude, something about Jesus born in his birthday suit that we should all emulate. As one of our listeners put it: “It gives a whole new meaning to ‘church member.’ ”

And, remember, please wipe down the pews when you leave.

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There’s good news, and there’s better news. The good news: A tiny pill-cam could replace the traditional colonoscopy. It’s an ingestible camera that takes high-speed photos as it works its way through the digestive system and helps doctors spot warning signs of cancer. The cam replaces the 4-foot-long flexible tube doctors used to use. The better news? The pill-cam is not reusable.

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Toyota’s recall of 1.9 million Priuses caught the ear of a Mark & Dave listener. When we reported that a software glitch could slow or stop the cars, Dustin from the ‘Couv called to say, “So how could you tell?”

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Love Me Tinder. The dating app is the rage at the Sochi Olympics. Athletes say Tinder hookups are off the hook. USA snowboarder Jamie Anderson deleted her app to focus on the gold, which she won. Not everyone is deleting the app. Olympic organizers ordered 100,000 condoms for Sochi Olympians. You do the math, we refuse.

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Sheila Crabtree is pleased an Ohio judge approved her legal name change request to: Sexy Crabtree. She says it makes her life complete. Are you thinking what we’re thinking: Sheila was the problem? And Crabtree wasn’t? You’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but who won’t?

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Can’t wait to see this: Fred Armisen of “Portlandia” and “Saturday Night Live” fame will lead the house band for the new “Late Night with Seth Meyers.” Armisen is a multitalented guy (in the late ‘80s, he played drums in a Chicago punk band called Trenchmouth. He also played drums for the Blue Man Group) He’s one step closer to what he was born to do: “Portlandia, The Musical!”

Listen to Mark & Dave from 3 to 6 p.m. weekdays on KPAM 860 AM radio. Like them on Facebook at www.facebook.com/themarkanddaveshow.