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Bad news from the doc: You have Dunlop's Disease!

The Bright Side: Joe Bushue


I sat there and waited for the doctor to come in. I had gone in for a physical, and for some reason was nervous about what, if anything, he might have found.

When the doctor came in, he had a rather somber look on his face. He looked at the chart first.

“First of all,” he told me, “both your lungs and heart look great, and overall, everything else looks fine.”

As I started to relax, he said, “However, you unfortunately have an acute case of Dunlop's Disease.”

Having never heard of this malady, I asked him what it was. He looked at me semi-seriously and said, “Dunlop's Disease occurs when your stomach has DONE LOPPED OVER YOUR BELT! There are only two kinds of proven cure and treatment. One is a strict regimen of diet and exercise; the other is to just buy a larger size clothes.”

As I was clothes shopping, I realized it could end up being expensive. Just when I was trying to figure out a way to increase my bank account, I saw a commercial by one of those “law firms” about class action law suits. If my second cousin's third wife was entitled to a settlement because her father’s best friend was possibly exposed to asbestos, I figured I had a shot.

Finding a lawyer to handle this shouldn’t be too hard after seeing some of the commercials where they almost seem to beg people to find some connection to whatever cause they seem to have almost made up!

I can see it now. “If you suffer from Dunlop’s Disease and have ever been exposed to cake, candy, pie, ice cream, chips of any kind, all fast foods, pizza, brownies, sugary soda, beer, Hostess products, Little Debbie, all-you-can-eat buffets, basically anything that tastes really good, anything with a lot of butter or heavy cream, or maybe with just a general lack of will power and self-discipline, you too may qualify for a cash settlement!”

While they’re at it, maybe the esteemed “law” firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe can find some random doctor that says having been exposed to milk can cause baldness. It could be a latent form of lactose intolerance that develops later in life. Imagine how many people would jump on that one (me included).

But I digress. While I was clothes shopping, I found a nice looking shirt that didn’t come in size XXL. Really! That’s a form of discrimination! There should be a law or suit or something for such a slap in the face!

Joe Bushue is a travel agent and lifelong Gresham resident who has been tolerating multiple sclerosis for 30-plus years. His column recounts some of the humorous sides of his disability and his slants on life in general. Reach him by email at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .